UPDATE: I Want Her Man And He Wants Me

UPDATE RECEIVED ON 10/16) So, it seems like our ole girl followed my advice. She was determined to get her man. If there's no ring, it's no-thing. Here's what she said in an email:

"When I bought up the idea about me falling in love with him, and maybe even wanting us to get married, he was shocked. I was nervous, but he said it was all that he needed to hear. We made love that night, and he didn't go back home for two days. When he did go back home, his ex-fiance was there and they had it out. But it wasn't about me, but about her boss who she was sleeping with. Since he met me, he hired a "friend" to follow her around and got evidence at a hotel in the city. Call it karma, but it worked out for everybody. His girl got the promotion she always wanted and I did, too."

Email was too long, but the ex fiance moved out and TOBT and her man are together. Wow, goes to show that just because a man isn't technically single, doesn't mean he's technically unavailable.

ORIGINAL POST

I’ve been single for 4 years, I am 34 years old, and want to have a family one day. I had a very big engagement that went bust and I hadn’t met anyone worth my time until now. He’s everything I want in a man, we spend hours on the phone, have been out several times to dinner, shows, and he has even fixed my car (he took it to his mechanic and he offered to pay for it, but I said, ‘no’). He’s almost perfect, but he’s not mine. He’s engaged to a girl he’s been with for like 2 years and she lives with him. We both think we’re soulmates. It’s only been 3months, but we are in deep. I can’t wait to make love to this man. The best part is when it happens it’s a wrap. But I’m afraid to go any further because he already has someone. Their wedding date is next Spring. As I write this, he’s calling me. He’s so attentive. He’s already told me he’ll break up with her for me, but I’m nervous. What if he breaks up and we don’t work out and I have to carry that burden? What if his girl loses it and freaks out making our lives hell? Should I leave him alone? I don't want to!

Best,
Tired of Being Tired


Dear TOBT:

It’s my philosophy that any unmarried man is an available man. He still files his taxes as single. He’s up for grabs. You don’t know his girl, so you are not violating particular “friend rules”. I say this because you are single at 34. You want a man in your life, and he seems good. At least from how you describe him. Sure, he can be labeled a cheater. But sometimes, we find love in inconvenient places. Until we marry or die, our quest for true love is allowed to continue. Obviously, this man is still looking. You want to get married, and now is not the time to play shy or play the back. At 23, you could’ve told him to kick rocks. But now, well, you have the experience and confidence to shake trees.

So here’s what to do: Get him to leave the fiancé before you have sex. This should be his ultimate move to show his seriousness and commitment to you. He may not have done this yet because you sound unsure. Men are usually satisfied with one bird in the hand, than 2 in the bush, if they have any doubt. So, tell him how you feel, what you want, and that you want to get married, to him, perhaps. You won’t accept being just a girlfriend. You want more, the family, the husband. See how he reacts. If all is well, tell him the terms. This shouldn’t take more than a week for him to do. If he doesn't leave or backs away after you state your terms, move on.

But if he does leave, you’ll have to deal with the wrath of the scorned fiancé who may find you. The only thing worse than a single girl who wants to marry is a girlfriend about to get married. But please do not entertain the drama. Have him change his cell number. In fact, buy new cell phones and put him on your plan. You can sort out who pays the bill later. The point is to have total control of the communication or access the ex will have to him. Redecorate and re-paint his apartment. You must destroy and isolate her and any remnants. Period.

You’ll hear folks tell you about being his rebound chick, but that doesn’t apply here. True Alpha-females can never be anybody’s rebound. A rebounded ball can win the last few seconds of a game. Understand that. Choose to think big, bad, and bold.

If you want this man, these are the breaks. I don’t see any chick letting a good dude like that walk away without at least a bark or two. But if she doesn’t bark, that’s even better. Funny thing, she may not want to get married to him, either. Him straying sounds like she isn't the one.

So, there. As they say, go hard or go home.

AF with love,
MR