UPDATED: ADVICE: He's Cheating On Me And I Like It?

(UPDATE: Di, the lady who wrote this letter contacted me after reading comments and said she is NOT leaving husband. He just booked them a trip to Tahiti. Looks like the divorce is on the horizon if you read her letter or another case of "missing wife".) I know that my husband of 20 years has been cheating on me. We got married young, we’re in our late 40s. Basically, we grew up together. I’ve known about his ways for years now, but I never thought about saying anything until now. I guess I want him to explain to me why I was never enough. I know when he cheats because he becomes overly attentive to me. He takes me places, buy me more gifts, and we may have sex (he barely touches me). I may forget about it for a minute, but I still hurt. I cry and I beg him to be honest, but he always denies. I am not ready to leave. Should I confront him about his lies? Every time he cheats, I wonder if he’s just gonna say “f it, and leave me.”

Afraid,
Di*

Dear Di*,

The short answer to your question about confronting him is “no”. What for? If you don’t plan to do anything about it and don’t plan to leave, let it go. What do you think? He’s gonna get a light bulb moment when you confront him and be like: “You know what, I’ve should’ve told you. Let’s go to therapy, work this all out, and then have some Mai Tais on the beach with the little umbrellas in it.” It still wouldn’t be enough for you. For some reason, I sense his cheating reinforces your role as a martyr, a role you’ve probably had your whole life. It’s sad, it’s lonely, it’s angry, it victimized, and yet it’s comfortable. In some weird way, you’re enabling him to cheat. He knows he has a miserable, manipulative wife who will never feel like she’s good enough. That is way too much for any human shoulders to carry, because even if he’s not cheating, you’re still unhappy.

He’s performing a role you need to make value of your existence. Without him cheating, you’ll have too much emotional responsibility on you. You’d actually have to hold him accountable and yourself for shish that happens. Crazy, huh? But it seems you’ve learned a golden rule here…no one can make anybody do anything. You can’t stop him from cheating. It’s up to him. His cheating may have actually been the reason you’re still “together” to this day. It doesn’t mean he hates or doesn’t love you. It’s nothing personal with these ladies, obviously, but then again, husbands leave their wives (and vice versa) everyday. But don’t spend your nights crying about that, too. Imagine if the man didn’t have any outlet to vent his sexual desire but you? Imagine if he was “forced” to be faithful before he’s ready. He probably would’ve committed suicide or left you years ago for escape. Thank the other woman for holding what’s left of your marriage together; for helping you sustain your role as the martyr and your husband as the bad guy. He’s only living a role you created for him, and you are living the role he created for you. In the end, you get to keep a husband, keep the money at home, have somebody to take out the trash, and don’t have to lie on your back and wear his freakin’ favorite purple panties like a mistress.

(shaking head),
MR

*Names have been changed for privacy.